Shamming Is Bad, Mmmkay?

Stay at home mom shamming . . . STOP IT!

Ok folks.  I’ve been inspired.  I don’t believe I am a negative person, but some may differ.  That is ok, everyone gets an opinion.  But I’ve got some things to settle with the world.  Are they important?  To me, yes; to you, maybe.  Welcome to what may become a series and will definitely become a part of the podcast that will launch this fall.

Today we are gonna talk about shamming.  While there are a lot of things we could shame folks on, I’m stuck on the trend of shamming stay at home moms.  I do recognize dads who fill the role; however I haven’t seen this particular free time hobby aimed at them.

As a disclaimer, you might just call this judging.  Feel your feels, be you.  I personally see this issue as a lack of perspective.  So, lets get to it . . .

Of course, the most frequent place I have seen this practice is on Facebook in parent groups and in general comments.  But I have seen it amongst friends, at the park, at the grocery store, on television/media outlets, etc.  For reference sake, I’ll give an example:

A recent question posted in a parent’s group:

“I’m looking for a way to stay at home with my kids.  No judgement, its just something I feel strongly about.  Can anyone offer some advice?  Ways to make a little bit of income or ways to cut back and be able to afford it?”

Responses:

“Why disrupt your life when your kids will be going to school soon?  What if you can’t get employment when you return?”

“I don’t understand this, why are mom’s (and dads) making this choice?  Wouldn’t you rather have financial stability?”

“I have friends that are stay at home parents and I honestly don’t know what they are always talking about being tired, not having enough time, etc.  I mean, they aren’t cramming an 8-10hr workday

in.”

“Do you pay childcare?  How old are the kids?  There’s always avon – I hear you qualify for government aide when one parent stays home and that makes up the difference.”

Aren’t you disgusted?  I haven’t made any of this up and I can’t believe people are so rude and dismissing.  I mean, are people really this ignorant?  I have been a stay at home mom.  I’ve also be the breadwinner while my ex-husband stayed at home with the kids. 

As a current stay at home mom I feel as though its high time this “shamming” was put to bed.  Yes, it is a choice, but damn, it’s a choice that is made after much thought and, for some, due to circumstances out of their control.

I’ve come up with some truths about being a stay at home parent:

  1. It’s not glorious all the time, for some of us, it never is.
  2. That joy you sometimes feel when you’ve finally dropped the kids off at day care and realize the car is actually silent?  Yeah . . . we may be at a home, but there are days I would kill for that second of joy.
  3. We know how fortunate we are.  We don’t miss milestones and we have amazing connections with our children.  We also have direct control of their learning and development. 
  4. While #3 is an amazing truth and honor, we also don’t always have strong and frequent friendships.  Our kids are usually with us and folks aren’t looking to go out with the entire family in tow.  Adult conversation is under appreciated by many.  We appreciate it.  I’ve had hour long conversations with the customer service rep from several providers.  It’s not about poop or popsicles, so if I need to talk about how they can serve ME better, I’m in!
  5. Yes, some of us use a babysitter.  When you are keeping kids alive, you aren’t always able to get your own errands and tasks completed.
  6. Finance talk is taboo.  Stop asking people how they afford it, please.  Beyond answering a direct question from a stay at home parent, this should never be a part of the conversation. 
  7. We won’t take our blessings for granted if you agree to recount all of yours as well.  Let’s face it, there are some days you’d like to stay home and there are lots of days I’d give my third big toe to put on a decent outfit, chat with co-workers, help a few folks, and be compensated for it. 
  8. For us, being home is what we choose.  It’s a choice, just like everyone else has made to not be at home.  It may not seem fair, it may seem one sided or ridiculous, but it is a choice.

OK!  I’m done.  Enough with the drama.  If anyone would like to experience stay at home parenting, you are more than welcome to come hangout with us any day of the week.  Come prepared.  Don’t worry about cleaning, I never get around to that anyway.  Wear clothes that can be mended, bring extra shoes, don’t worry about washing your hair (trust me), leave all valuable in the car . . . better yet, leave them at home.  I would encourage a bit of mindfulness on your commute over.  Don’t visit the gym first, you’ll get quite the workout here, that’s a promise.  If you are a guy, wear a cup.  If you are a female, well . . . you might want to wear a cup too.

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